Romance or control? Gifts are often seen as acts of love, but they can also be subtle tools of control, guilt, or dominance. In many relationships, the way gifts are given or withheld says more about the power dynamic than the present itself. Here are seven gift-giving habits that might reveal who really holds the upper hand.
1. The “Just Because” Giver
It seems generous at first. Your partner brings you surprise flowers or spontaneous luxury items. But when these “sweet gestures” come with unspoken expectations or strings attached, it may be a form of manipulation. This could be a form of love bombing that seeks to tip the scales of power in the relationship. It can also create unhealthy attachments.
2. The Strategic Gifter
They don’t give often, but when they do, it’s calculated. They might give gifts right after a fight, before asking for something big, or during a vulnerable moment. These gifts come with invisible fine print. This is a red flag that your partner is a covert narcissist.
3. The Scorekeeper
This person remembers everything they’ve ever given and expects reciprocity. You might start to feel indebted or pressured to “make it even,” whether you can afford to or not. Scorekeeping can be detrimental to your relationship if you let it affect every aspect. Remember to point out the positives in your relationship, not just who did what.
4. The Guilt Tripper
Didn’t act surprised enough? Forgot to post about it online? This giver makes you feel bad about your reaction, turning a kind gesture into an emotional weapon. Gifts are no longer about being thoughtful with this gift giver.
5. The Gift Withholder
They skip birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays. But not because they forgot. Withholding gifts becomes a passive-aggressive way to punish or assert dominance. Withholders usually withhold more than just gifts. They withhold anything they know you really want.
6. The One-Up Giver
Every gift becomes a show of superiority. They usually give designer brands, over-the-top surprises, or create public spectacles. It’s less about you and more about their image, power, or control. It can be extremely frustrating being in a relationship with the one-up gift giver. You may feel like your gifts are never enough.
7. The Conditional Santa
They give, but only when you “behave.” Gifts are used as rewards, like you’re earning approval. It’s a quiet but potent way to control your choices. If you don’t do what they want, you’ll never get these signs of love.
Know the Difference with Gift Giving
Healthy gift-giving comes from love, not leverage. If presents feel like pressure, performance, or payback, it may be time to look beyond the wrapping paper and ask who’s really in control. True generosity isn’t about impressing, controlling, or keeping score; it’s about thoughtfulness and emotional connection. Pay attention to how gifts make you feel, not just what they are. A meaningful gift uplifts, while a manipulative one quietly chips away at trust.
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Teri Monroe
Teri Monroe started her career in communications working for local government and nonprofits. Today, she is a freelance finance and lifestyle writer and small business owner. In her spare time, she loves golfing with her husband, taking her dog Milo on long walks, and playing pickleball with friends.
